It makes you wonder..

I have been reading several blogs lately and one in particular keeps pulling me back, so if you haven’t visited Fibrmyalgia Haven you might want to, once there you will keep going back.

Anyway, one of the posts really made me think. When I first became ill I had no idea what was going on and fear consumed me, not just a little, it took over. A chronic illness can make or break a marriage. I was so fearful of what was wrong with me, the fear of the unknown is the worst fear I have experienced and instead of turning to those I cared about and who cared about me I pulled away and I hid.

My marriage went to hell. Not wanting to be a burden I pulled away instead of turning to someone who I know loved me. I thought I was doing us both a favor. Instead I went deeper into my hole and he felt so pushed away that we drew further and further apart. I wonder if I hadn’t done this and if I had said hey I am afraid, no I am terrified, things would have turned out very different. Any attempt he made to communicate I met with such defensiveness he felt I considered him the enemy. How far can you push someone away until they say thats enough?

Once I was diagnosed with Diabetes, Fibromyalgia and Arthritis, I felt even more like a burden. I will never forget the night he took me to dinner and when we got home he told me how much he wanted to try t make our marriage work and I told him to leave, again because I did not want to be a burden. I think of this often. And the pain we both went through, and how our fighting each other in court for four years to try to hurt the other was such a waste of time. And how we both went through our own hell spiraling downward in different directions, trying to hide the pain and hurt and loss. Not only did we lose each other, our family was torn apart.

If only I had it to do over again..Those famous words. But that doesn’t happen.

If I had any advice to give anyone going through what I did, the fear of  the unknown, deciding for myself I was going to be a burden and pulling away, I would say don’t so it! Turn to the ones who love you thats why they are there. If you don’t you could lose something irreplaceable. If you do you can build something very strong and enduring.

I look at where our lives have gone and the effect it has had on so many people and it makes me sad that it had to happen at all.